لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا ۚ لَهَا مَا كَسَبَتْ وَعَلَيْهَا مَا اكْتَسَبَتْ ۗ رَبَّنَا لَا تُؤَاخِذْنَا إِنْ نَسِينَا أَوْ أَخْطَأْنَا ۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تَحْمِلْ عَلَيْنَا إِصْرًا كَمَا حَمَلْتَهُ عَلَى الَّذِينَ مِنْ قَبْلِنَا ۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تُحَمِّلْنَا مَا لَا طَاقَةَ لَنَا بِهِ ۖ وَاعْفُ عَنَّا وَاغْفِرْ لَنَا وَارْحَمْنَا ۚ أَنْتَ مَوْلَانَا فَانْصُرْنَا عَلَى الْقَوْمِ الْكَافِرِينَ
Allah tidak membebani seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya. Ia mendapat pahala (dari kebajikan) yang diusahakannya dan ia mendapat siksa (dari kejahatan) yang dikerjakannya. (Mereka berdoa): “Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau hukum kami jika kami lupa atau kami tersalah. Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau bebankan kepada kami beban yang berat sebagaimana Engkau bebankan kepada orang-orang sebelum kami. Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau pikulkan kepada kami apa yang tak sanggup kami memikulnya. Beri ma’aflah kami; ampunilah kami; dan rahmatilah kami. Engkaulah Penolong kami, maka tolonglah kami terhadap kaum yang kafir.”
Aku tak berniat pon nak jadikan blog aku blog Islamik, tapi this is just what's in my mind lately..sometimes questioning my fate.
Aku baru dapat perkhabaran yang menghampakan sebelum aku tulis entry ni. Penaja aku menolak rayuan aku. Aku sambung belajar sebab penaja aku masa interview said that they would like to hire me because of my impressive work or industrial experience but they need to send me to do my PhD first, but i must complete it within 3 years. That's the deal. In 2018 however there is a major unfortunate event in my life. My dad got into a road accident and was bedridden. My mom is also having some sakit wanita and needed operation 1 month after the accident. So sebagai satu-satunya anak berstatus student aku lah yang banyak menjaganya di hospital.
So dalam 3 bulan tergendala progress, tapi selain pada tu orang lain seperti experts (professors and academic) yang aku contact to validate my questionnaire pon take time to respond to my enquiries. Tak masuk my penyelia too because they all have their own busy professional business and I am just a student, why would they care so much right. Ingat lagi my friend who were a lecturer (with a PhD of course) pernah cakap, dia jarang layan email student sebab busy. So there u have it. And my friend is a Malaysian, so I think that's just Malaysian's things sebab masa kat Australia dulu aku email my tutor and lecturer (some are doctors and professors) they mostly respond promptly.
To cut the story short I got 1 year extension without allowance so I was income-less for the whole year 2020. But the next road block was that my penyelia went to her sabbatical overseas for 6 months. So within that 1 year extension, 6 months are wasted. So of course the penaja won't extend again for me.
So I received the rejection letter few days ago and was extremely devastated, feels like i wasted my 4 years buat PhD to get a job but in the end i didnt get the job and i even going to be in a huge debt since that's part of the deal, kalau tak finish within 3 year kena compound.
But I just pick myself up, just let myself cried for 1 night only and just accept the fate.
During that one night, I questioned myself, at this age, instafamous ada yang 20 tahun pon lagi kaya dari aku yet I didn't even have a career yet.
I continue typing this entry once I submitted my thesis and received letter of completion on 18 February and I have already submitted the official letter of completion ke penaja but they all shut up and didn't reply anything to me since 5 days ago.
Aku juga tertanya-tanya juga kenapa ujian aku sebesar ini. Then my own naqibah or friends working in this academic world when i tell them the struggle i go through they would be like "laa kesiannya, kenapa dorang buat macam tu, kenapa macam ni, risaunya.." which is not helping at all lol. (same goes to how people respond to depressed people, tak bagi advice yg practical, balik-balik advice solatlah, baca Quran la, anda assume dorang ni semua tak solat n baca Quran ke?? so judgemental). I'm expecting a respond that would guide me on what i should do next, not just offering their sympathetic gesture of sigh. I already have those. So i just have to keep myself strong and redha and pasrah. sebab takda orang lain boleh faham atau boleh tenangkan aku. Hidup ni pon singkat je, kadang-kadang pikir esok je tah-tah boleh mati, kenapa risau sangat pasal career dan harta sebagai achievement atas dunia. Let just live it like this and see where it goes, where my life is heading to.
By the way I dont know who to contact, menteri sekarang tak tau la, Dr Maszlee dulu in 2019 bila aku email dia respond dengan cepat dan suruh aku buat aduan rasmi ke KPM, tapi sebab dapat extension aku tak kacau la lagi nak minta elaun ke bantuan dana sebab pikir ramai lagi yang lebih memerlukan. Tapi dalam 2021 ni, aku tak tau la KPM atau menteri pendidikan akan layan kes aku ni ke tak. So i really dont know what to do.
