Pandemic and Joblessness

September 2019 was the last month I received my student allowance, my appeal has been approved to extend the duration to finish my PhD without allowance, by one year. Yet I have to wait for my supervisor to get back to me from her sabbatical and later wait for my proofreader to complete the proofreading (June 2020) and then another 3 months for my viva voce date (October 2020) from my submission date (July 2020). And after I've done my correction that should take a year in just 1 month 2 weeks (I was like a zombie with 1-2 hours sleep a day and no more running for a runner like me) I have to wait another 1 month plus for the examiners (very busy professors~) to reply their feedback. This situation was prolonged to February 2021 which means all this happened from Sept 2019 to February 2021. During this time I work as part time waitress in 2 different cafes around my university. This is like a short recap from my previous posts...

From January to March 2021 I got a contract job which pay me like a fresh graduate, same amount with my first job in 2010. Syukur tidak menganggur~

May 2021 I got to be a part time lecturer substituting my friend in a local private university for their short semester. First and short experience, god giving me a taste of what I aspire (and struggling) to be, still. Luckily the students were super chill and cool (don't know if they feel the same way about me, some called me the coolest millennial lecturer, too bad the management didn't think so and didn't hire me after that). I incorporated a pretty handful of Internet memes in my slides, so I guess only those who love memes would appreciate it. Some might think I am immature for that lol. But memes are not childish, it requires some level of intelligence for audience to understand and laugh at it. One of my PhD-mate is writing a thesis about meme, I hope he never change his topic. *the thing about PhD topic is, some supervisors might not agree with students approach or direction of their research topic and can suggest changes from minor to 100% different from what the student proposed. Luckily my supervisor is supercool with my research topic although sometimes I feel it's a petty topic to be discussed academically when compared to my PhD-mates who write about politics. But deep down I still like my topic and it is still currently aligned with our situation now.

June 2021 I received the senate later from the submission I made in February. yeah... 

July 2021 my second phase interview with one local IPTA and I confidently felt good about it.

October 2021 I received the result that I am successful to be the calon simpanan (whattt~~) whatever the shit that means. In the same week I received a call from a SEEK Jobstreet agent something (I dont know) offering a position as instructional designer so I sat for the interview with the company and got the job but the pay is ok but not my PhD level kind of pay...in this pandemic, u just gotta grab whatever u got~

What is the point of this post, u may ask (if there is even anyone reading this....) well, I'm grateful that Allah swt had given me this job right after I received the devastating news from that IPTA (dihatikuuuu) ..it's like right on time I got a job that I didn't even apply for, I mean I dont apply job in the industry anymore since they always decline saying I'm overqualified, no skill for work etc (eventho I have 4 years working experience before I pursued my master n PhD).. so now I'm a PhD holder working in the industry... Allah swt atur cantik je, but it's up to me now to be grateful n work full heartedly although its not really my dream job, but it's a job i enjoy.

Alhamdulillah 

And I think, this could be because I started to amalkan al Mathurat after Subuh while jogging (meaning I listen n "sing along" while running la). It is really a jemput rezeki kind of zikir. Because before this I rarely do it, but in September I made it a habit where almost everyday I jog after Subuh I didn't put on music like I normally do, I put on al Mathurat...I still try to make it a habit now..after 1 round of morning al Mathurat I would listen to my normal rock songs for the running beast mode on lol..

SO THATS ALL!! READ YOUR AL MATHURAT GUYS!! 

Bonus bacaan: Manfaat membaca al-Mathurat 

Benarkah Allah tidak menguji hambaNya kecuali Dengan Kemampuan-Nya?

Allah berfirman dalam surat Al Baqarah ayat 286 :
لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا ۚ لَهَا مَا كَسَبَتْ وَعَلَيْهَا مَا اكْتَسَبَتْ ۗ رَبَّنَا لَا تُؤَاخِذْنَا إِنْ نَسِينَا أَوْ أَخْطَأْنَا ۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تَحْمِلْ عَلَيْنَا إِصْرًا كَمَا حَمَلْتَهُ عَلَى الَّذِينَ مِنْ قَبْلِنَا ۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تُحَمِّلْنَا مَا لَا طَاقَةَ لَنَا بِهِ ۖ وَاعْفُ عَنَّا وَاغْفِرْ لَنَا وَارْحَمْنَا ۚ أَنْتَ مَوْلَانَا فَانْصُرْنَا عَلَى الْقَوْمِ الْكَافِرِينَ
Allah tidak membebani seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya. Ia mendapat pahala (dari kebajikan) yang diusahakannya dan ia mendapat siksa (dari kejahatan) yang dikerjakannya. (Mereka berdoa): “Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau hukum kami jika kami lupa atau kami tersalah. Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau bebankan kepada kami beban yang berat sebagaimana Engkau bebankan kepada orang-orang sebelum kami. Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau pikulkan kepada kami apa yang tak sanggup kami memikulnya. Beri ma’aflah kami; ampunilah kami; dan rahmatilah kami. Engkaulah Penolong kami, maka tolonglah kami terhadap kaum yang kafir.”

Aku tak berniat pon nak jadikan blog aku blog Islamik, tapi this is just what's in my mind lately..sometimes questioning my fate.

Aku baru dapat perkhabaran yang menghampakan sebelum aku tulis entry ni. Penaja aku menolak rayuan aku. Aku sambung belajar sebab penaja aku masa interview said that they would like to hire me because of my impressive work or industrial experience but they need to send me to do my PhD first, but i must complete it within 3 years. That's the deal. In 2018 however there is a major unfortunate event in my life. My dad got into a road accident and was bedridden. My mom is also having some sakit wanita and needed operation 1 month after the accident. So sebagai satu-satunya anak berstatus student aku lah yang banyak menjaganya di hospital.

So dalam 3 bulan tergendala progress, tapi selain pada tu orang lain seperti experts (professors and academic) yang aku contact to validate my questionnaire pon take time to respond to my enquiries. Tak masuk my penyelia too because they all have their own busy professional business and I am just a student, why would they care so much right. Ingat lagi my friend who were a lecturer (with a PhD of course) pernah cakap, dia jarang layan email student sebab busy. So there u have it. And my friend is a Malaysian, so I think that's just Malaysian's things sebab masa kat Australia dulu aku email my tutor and lecturer (some are doctors and professors) they mostly respond promptly.

To cut the story short I got 1 year extension without allowance so I was income-less for the whole year 2020. But the next road block was that my penyelia went to her sabbatical overseas for 6 months. So within that 1 year extension, 6 months are wasted. So of course the penaja won't extend again for me.

So I received the rejection letter few days ago and was extremely devastated, feels like i wasted my 4 years buat PhD to get a job but in the end i didnt get the job and i even going to be in a huge debt since that's part of the deal, kalau tak finish within 3 year kena compound. 

But I just pick myself up, just let myself cried for 1 night only and just accept the fate.

During that one night, I questioned myself, at this age, instafamous ada yang 20 tahun pon lagi kaya dari aku yet I didn't even have a career yet.

I continue typing this entry once I submitted my thesis and received letter of completion on 18 February and I have already submitted the official letter of completion ke penaja but they all shut up and didn't reply anything to me since 5 days ago.

Aku juga tertanya-tanya juga kenapa ujian aku sebesar ini. Then my own naqibah or friends working in this academic world when i tell them the struggle i go through they would be like "laa kesiannya, kenapa dorang buat macam tu, kenapa macam ni, risaunya.." which is not helping at all lol. (same goes to how people respond to depressed people, tak bagi advice yg practical, balik-balik advice solatlah, baca Quran la, anda assume dorang ni semua tak solat n baca Quran ke?? so judgemental). I'm expecting a respond that would guide me on what i should do next, not just offering their sympathetic gesture of sigh. I already have those. So i just have to keep myself strong and redha and pasrah. sebab takda orang lain boleh faham atau boleh tenangkan aku. Hidup ni pon singkat je, kadang-kadang pikir esok je tah-tah boleh mati, kenapa risau sangat pasal career dan harta sebagai achievement atas dunia. Let just live it like this and see where it goes, where my life is heading to.

By the way I dont know who to contact, menteri sekarang tak tau la, Dr Maszlee dulu in 2019 bila aku email dia respond dengan cepat dan suruh aku buat aduan rasmi ke KPM, tapi sebab dapat extension aku tak kacau la lagi nak minta elaun ke bantuan dana sebab pikir ramai lagi yang lebih memerlukan. Tapi dalam 2021 ni, aku tak tau la KPM atau menteri pendidikan akan layan kes aku ni ke tak. So i really dont know what to do.

Apa Boleh Buat Sempena Terkurung dalam Rumah waktu PKP ni?

As salam..dan salam sejahtera..salam PKP.. salam terkurung..salam dari jauh sebab dah lama tak berlari n hiking..because it's corona time!

Corona Sheldon GIF from Corona GIFs

So what can u do while being lock up in ur home safely? 

Before we jump to that, basic things to take care of ourselfves. 

First, ingatlah masa itu emas tapi sebenarnya lagi mahal dari emas sebab emas boleh lagi beli beberapa gram tapi masa tak boleh beli so jangan buang masa dengan benda tak berfaedah (rasa hipokrit plak taip benda ni..hmmm). 

Second, jangan mendekati depression or kemurungan, so buatlah benda yang anda suka, enjoy, fun, di samping berfaedah supaya mood anda lifted, takla lepas buat tu stress ke. I got my own little brother  (not so little) main game asyik marah seorangan diri macam stressed gila je, kenapa buat aktiviti macam tu? Entahlah..hanya gamer tahu i guess.. 

Thirdly, selain mental health, body pon kena healthy, try la to incorporate a lot of walking in ur home, kalau tak suka exercise pon kan. Kalau jenis suka dengar lagu joget-jogetlah, sambil masak ke mop rumah ke. Kalau ada fitness band/tracker, try set 5000-10k steps per day. Sihat dah tu, tak hari-hari pon 4-5 hari seminggu. Kalau kaki workout macam aku, u dont need my advise lah, just keep consistently doing what u do. 

Fourthly, makan la benda sihat lebih sikit..walaupon lately aku asyik makan megi sebab stress buat amendment thesis so jadi tak lalu makan benda lain, dont follow this. Makan la nasi dan sayur yang banyak, berserta ayam dan ikan atau telur. Tapi makanlah bila lapar, berhenti before kenyang. Simpan stok untuk sepanjang tahun because this PKP not gonna end that soon. U should know why.

So let's start..ini just my suggestion lah korang boleh ikut, kalau bosan-bosan. Ikutkan nak buat video (i kan da ada youtube channel kahkah, tapi sendu je) tapi disebabkan busy, so tulis ni je la..maka inilah cadangan saya dari apa yang saya lihat kawan-kawan saya dan celebrity atau tokoh yang saya follow atau random strangers on the net.

1) Budayakan membaca. Membaca jambatan ilmu. Lebih banyak membaca, lebih berpengetahuan, lebih bijak. Boleh baca buku, e-book, blog atau article berilmiah, tentang sejarah, politik, tamadun dunia, falsafah, agama atau kisah fiction. Bacalah apa yang anda minat. Baca terjemahan al Quran yakni bertadabur lagi la hebat..

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A post shared by Maszlee Malik (@maszlee) on Apr 22, 2020 at 9:23pm PDT

2) Belajar skill baru. Selain memasak, banyak lagi skill lain. Kawan aku baru whatsapp saya 2 malam lepas tanya tentang tips tanam rumput sebab aku pernah keja sementara sebagai pekebun lepas habis master tengah tunggu nak sambung PhD. So dia cerita PKP ni dia cadang nak mencantikkan landscape rumah dia la. Sangat productive. So korang pon boleh la try berkebun ke, berkraftangan, menjahit ke..boleh belajar online je.

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A post shared by DIY Flowers & Crafts Tutorials (@craftstory.my) on Oct 19, 2019 at 3:04am PDT

3) Sambung belajar, kat Harvard!
Ya.. Harvard ada offer online course percuma, so sila ambil kesempatan ini. Dah graduate boleh bagitau kat orang, "I belajar benda ni kat Harvard..online (part ni slow sikit)". I am not lying. Pergilah site dia kat sini. Maybe universiti lain ada jugak, korang boleh search sendiri. Satu lagi universiti yang offer ialah Stanford , klik sini Best kan?

Jonah Hill Yay GIF from Jonahhill GIFs

4) Join webinar atau usrah online

Ceramah agama saja kat youtube pon banyak, tapi lagi best kalau join webinar yang ada interaction. Boleh berdiskusi. Share pengalaman, pemahaman. Dari segi ilmiah dan akademik, hingga la ke islamik seperti usrah online. Bagi yang agak berilmu, boleh initiate sendiri ajak kawan-kawan atau ahli keluarga yang berjauhan untuk berkumpul berbincang ilmiah atau islamik iaitu usrah online, tips untuk mulakan klik di sini.

5) Diet dan workout. Inilah masanya untuk korang capai target korang yang dah lama terkubur. Banyak faktor dan alasan dulu kan, busy keje, tak sempat workout, nak diet tak boleh sebab asyik ikut kawan makan, peer pressure gitu, tak sempat masak clean eating, beli makan kat luar banyak gula dan garam. So now it's the time. Tak payah pon bazir duit ikut mana-mana coach online kalau tak mampu, banyak apps and website free boleh follow. Nak workout tiru pon banyak video free kat youtube. Contoh website free yang aku guna since 2008 untuk kuruskan badan ialah SparkPeople. Gi buat akaun n set target segala n follow tips dia. Atas diri sendiri je.

Me after PKP be like.. gitu~

Slay Body GIF from Slay GIFs

Salad Lunch GIF from Salad GIFs

Lastly..sempena Ramadhan yang akan tiba esok, banyak-banyakkan beribadah dan selamat beramal. Semoga coronavirus lenyap dari bumi, barulah kita boleh hidup seperti dulu balik. Ingatlah, walaupon kes semakin berkurangan dan mungkin nanti jadi zero cases, negara jiran sekeliling kita seperti Indonesia, Singapore, mahupon negara tak berjiran seperti US dan UK masih mencatat kes yang tinggi dan vaccine untuk coronavirus masih belum ditemui, maknanya kita masih tidak boleh kembali seperti dulu. Raya kali ni walaupon dah habis PKP, kita tak boleh beraya luar dari kawasan kita iaitu lebih 10km, atau ke rumah bukan saudara dekat kita. Berayalah dengan saudara yang masih serumah dengan korang cukuplah. Aku bernasib baik balik kampung 3 hari sebelum PKP diumumkan. So stuck la aku di sini safely with my parents and brother. The other siblings maybe tak jumpa even di hari raya nanti. Bertabahlah for the greater good.

Ramadan Mubarak GIF from Ramadan GIFs

AND STOP RACISM! TABLIGHS ARE NOT THE SPREADER. (MALAYSIAN) CHINESE IS NOT THE SOURCE OF THE VIRUS! AND INDIAN HERBS MIGHT HELP TO KEEP U AWAY FROM THE VIRUS! All the other races in Malaysia, we should keep on fighting this. Stay home stay safe, jangan susahkan lagi all the frontliners.

Coronavirus Covid19 GIF from Coronavirus GIFs

Kisah Penumpang Titanic..kenapa tak cukup lifeboat?

"If a ship is torpedoed, that's war. If it strikes a rock in a storm, that's nature. But just to die because there weren't enough lifeboats, that's ridiculous." -Eva Hart 

I am supposed to write my thesis to submit the first draft TOMORROW but guess what,here i am.. i am getting hooked on to the history of the sinking Titanic. I actually tertengok some documentaries kat Youtube about the real story from one of the survivors, Eva Hart. Then I dig more. Here's a short brief about her and few other survivors that i will share in the next post.

Benjamin Hart (dad), Eva Hart (the only daughter) and Esther Hart (mom). Pic from Wikipedia.

 Eva Hart was 7 years old masa tu, and travelled as a second class passenger boarding the Titanic on 10 April 1912, with both her parents. Sebenarnya dia sekeluarga sepatutnya naik kapal lain nama Philadelphia, tapi kapal tu tak jadi sail sebab ada mogok (coal strike) so banyak passenger dari kapal tu kena transferred to the next ship which is the Titanic ( macam kita book flight AirAsia lepas tu flight tu cancel dia move kita sesuka hati ke next flight yang ikut suka time dia~).

Titanic semasa di perlabuhan Southampton. Pic from Titanicfacts.net

So mak dia, Esther Hart dah rasa tak sedap hati. Dia macam dapat premonition that something dreadful (mengerikan) is going to happen to that ship (Titanic). Tapi nak tanak kena naik jugak la sebab dah beli tiket dan memang nak kena pegi America. Titanic dijadualkan belayar dari Southampton,England ke New York,America. Pelayaran pertama untuk apa2 jenis kapal macam ni dipanggil maiden voyage. "The maiden voyage of a ship, aircraft or other craft is the first journey made by the craft in its intended duty." So kiranya itu adalah pelayaran pertama untuk Titanic selepas siap dibina di Ireland. The first and the last...

Route pelayaran Titanic.

Mak dia punya rasa tak sedap hatilah sampai memutuskan untuk tidur waktu siang dan malam berjaga siap sedia kalau jadi apa-apa. So pada malam kejadian, both Eva n her dad tengah tidur, mak dia tengah berjaga dan terasa sedikit getaran bila kapal tu langgar iceberg, so dia kejutkan Benjamin, dan Benjamin keluar pegi check kat dock, nak amek tahu apa jadi dari crew kat situ. So coming back to the room (mesti masa tu dia dah tahu apa yang jadi, n dia antara orang terawal tahu) dia bagitau dorang pasal pelanggaran tu n suruh dorang dua pakai coat and selimutkan Eva (sebab sejuk kan?) dan bawak ke deck untuk naik lifeboat. Dengan polisi wanita dan kanak-kanak didahulukan, Esther dan Eva saja masuk ke dalam lifeboat dan Eva bila ditemuramah (bila dia dah dewasa la) Eva bagitau, benda terakhir bapa dia pesan waktu tu lepas letak dia dalam lifeboat ialah  'be a good girl and hold Mummy's hand'. Sambil bapa dia berdiri di deck dan melihat lifeboat itu diturunkan ke dalam air. Dia tak jumpa bapak dia dah lepas tu, even mayat pon tak jumpa (Her father perished and his body, if recovered, was never identified.) Pengorbanan seorang ayah. Laki-laki zaman ayah2 kita gentleman macam ni, sekarang, aku naik LRT pon lelaki berebut dengan aku untuk duduk, bila dipersoalkan nanti akan cakap "kan perempuan nak equality?"  Equality my ass bruh, my ass..u still cant give birth~ ok ter-emo pula...memang tak semua laki zaman sekarang macam tu, yang triggered je la kot haha~

Eva dan ibunya lepas tu diselamatkan oleh kapal Carpathia yang meluru datang sebaik terima distress call (in morse code) dari Titanic, tetapi sebab kapal tu jauh dan kapal tu bukan kapal secanggih Titanic, selaju dia pon dia hanya boleh sampai dalam 4 jam. Ada kontroversi mengatakan ada satu lagi kapal yang lebih dekat yang nampak emergency flare atau  distress rockets tapi buat tak tahu je iaitu kapal Californian. Eva ni antara survivor yang outspoken dan jadi activist yang kritik kepincangan pengurusan dan pengendalian Titanic. Dari segi kenapa lifeboat tak cukup, iaitu sepatutnya 40 untuk menampung 2000 penumpang, tapi cuma ada 20 sebab kapten, arkitek, engineer dan bos White Star Line (syarikat kapal dan pelayaran tersebut) terlalu yakin yang Titanic takkan tenggelam. They called it the unsinkable Titanic, even God cant sink it..terlalu yakin dan mencabar tuhan kau ni bang.. 

Lagi satu, even lepas langgar iceberg tu pon kapten dan orang besar kapal ni macam masih tak yakin yang pelanggaran tu teruk dan boleh tenggelamkan Titanic, so dorang bertindak sambil lewa, dan sebab tiada emergency drill langsung (katanya ada tapi kapten suruh kensel sebab ada Sunday church activity apatah) so crew semua tak bersedia dengan apa yang perlu dibuat untuk organisekan passenger ke lifeboat. Lifeboat terawal berlepas pon katanya maybe ada lagi tempat kosong, tapi sebab masa tu kebanyakan passenger dan crew tak tahu lagi yang kapal akan sink, so tak kecoh, tak ramai berebut naik. Dan crew pon sebenarnya tak tahu pon the fact that the lifeboat tak mencukupi. Historian Thomas E. Bonsall cakap yang kalau lifeboat cukup pon, tetapi atas sebab pengurusan dan pengendalian kecemasan yang berterabur macam ni, tak banyak jugak nyawa boleh diselamatkan. 

Eva juga mengkritik kaptain kapal Californian yang mengabaikan distress rocket dari Titanic. Sebab kapten dia bagi alasan, dorang ingat Titanic tengah main firework celebrating something, at 2 am bruh?? Really? Firework dengan emergency flare sama ke bang?? Selain itu, kapten tersebut jugak memberi alasan kata mereka jauh, 19 batu so tak nampak dengan clear, padahal memula cakap 9 batu, lepas tu betulkan kata "oppss ralat, 19 batu lah," huh boleh plak.. Eva membantah, dia cakap mana ada 19 batu, 9 batu pon tidak, sebab dari lifeboat dia masa tu, dia boleh nampak kapal tu, bukan nampak lampu je, memang sebijik bentuk kapal dia boleh nampak, maksudnya dekat la tu. Closer than 9 miles away. Tapi nak menipu sebab nak justify their irresponsibility for the death of 1500+ Titanic victims, dari 9 batu jadi 19 batu pulak...

"I saw that ship sink,I never closed my eyes. I didn't sleep at all. I saw it, I heard it, and nobody could possibly forget it. I can remember the colours, the sounds, everything. The worst thing I can remember are the screams. It seemed as if once everybody had gone, drowned, finished, the whole world was standing still. There was nothing, just this deathly, terrible silence in the dark night with the stars overhead.The band played one version of 'Nearer My God to Thee' of which there are three and the one they played was the one that was played in church. I never closed my eyes at all – I saw that ship sink. And I saw that ship break in half."- Eva Hart, semasa ditemuramah, aku translate kat bawah bagi yang kureng English. 

"Saya nampak sendiri kapal tu tenggelam, saya tak tutup mata langsung. Tak tidur langsung. Saya nampak, saya dengar, dan mustahil sesiapa pon boleh lupakannya. Saya ingat warnanya, bunyinya, semuanya. Paling teruk yang saya boleh ingat ialah jeritan. Ia seperti sebaik sahaja semua orang hilang, lemas, habis, seluruh dunia terdiam terpaku. Tiada apa lagi selain sepi yang dasyat dan mengerikan di dalam kegelapan malam dengan hanya bintang di langit. Kugiran memainkan lagu Nearer My God to Thee yang ada 3 versi, dan versi mereka main ialah yang dimainkan di gereja*. Saya tak tutup mata langsung, saya lihat sendiri kapal tu tenggelam. Dan saya nampak kapal tu terbelah dua." 

*Menurut pembacaan lanjut,  aku dapat tahu yang kugiran tu stay main lagu atas kapal sampai kapal dah nak tenggelam,dah senget dah baru dorang berhenti sebab dah tak boleh berdiri, sebab dorang sedar dorang sebagai lelaki takleh naik bot tu sebelum wanita dan kanak2, dan bot pon tak cukup, tapi yang biadabya company White Star Line (atau company yang uruskan kugiran tu yang assigned dorang play atas Titanic) still bilkan uniform baru kugiran tu ke keluarga dorang lepas tragedi tu. Tak bertimbangrasa langsung.

Kesudahannya Eva sampai New York dengan maknya, dan maknya pon kawen lain. Dia takleh tidur since the tragedy sebab trauma kan, baru umur 7 tahun. Dia asyik mimpikan tragedi tu, sampailah umur 23 tahun mak dia meninggal, dia decide untuk melawan ketakutan dia tu so dia berlayar ke Singapura naik kapal penumpang atau cruise la kot eh?, tapi mulanya dia tak keluar langsung dari kabin dia selama 4 hari sampailah pramugari kapal tu paksa dia keluar ke deck dan barulah dia berani dan mimpi ngeri tu pon stop. Rasanya lepas tu baru tu baru dia aktif dan vokal mengkritik dan menceritakan pengalaman dia kepada masyarakat umum, baru bersedia ditemuramah lah camtu. Dan dia bergabung dengan survivor lain dalam society dorang untuk menggesa peraturan baru untuk kapal-kapal.

Dia juga mengkritik aktiviti sea explorer yang nak korek tempat kapal tu tenggelam, sebab dia kata itu kan tempat macam kubur kepada 1200-1500 mangsa yang tak terselamat. Sepatutnya jangan dikacau. Dah la mati sebab sejuk (hypothermia) bukan semua mati sebab lemas saja, barang peribadi dorang nak dikorek dan dicuri pulak, katanya lagi.

Apa yang paling menarik, sebelum oceanographer ada teknologi untuk masuk ke dasar laut,engineer dan crew kapal yang terselamat mati-mati menafikan cerita survivor yang mengatakan bahawa kapal Titanic tu terbelah dua bila tenggelam. Dorang nak cakap kapal tu sangat kuat dan dia tenggelam in one piece. Eva Hart antara yang paling tegas mengatakan dia nampak dan dia dengar kapal tu patah dua masa nak tenggelam. Namun begitu, pada tahun 1986 bila Robert Ballard berjaya jumpa Titanic wrecks di dasar lautan, dia telah confirmkan yang memang kapal tu patah dua,dan agak jauh terpisah. Take that! Tapi by 1986 tu crew kapal semua tu dah mati la kot, survivor yang kebanyakannya remaja dan budak-budak pon dah berumur dah by that time, tambah la pulak crew kapal yang sah-sah la dah dewasa masa kerja dalam Titanic tu.

Ok i think that's all for now, back to my thesis, wish me luck, i will come back to write another or more story about the survivors or the victims that i find interesting to share. Did u read this? U want more? Komen la..takla aku rasa aku tulis syok sendiri je..huh..ok tataaa

As a bonus, di bawah ada video Eva Hart di-interview.

Dan satu scene Titanic di ambang nak tenggelam dari movie Titanic yang famous itu..

Moral of the story, jangan cakap besar. 

Skincare Sekarang, Masalah Fungal Acne dan Parut

Salam dan hello all,

If u had read my old post about my never-ending acne problem here or here which were written ages ago and still is getting traffic and comments to this day hence this post is made, this time i want to share about my most latest n current skincare to suit my current skin condition. After those 2 post in 2012 and 2013,aku dah try millions of skincare products, sekejap ok sekejap tak ok kulit aku ni tapi malas dah nak taip review.

So kali ini aku dah discovered a new skin routine for my current skin condition, iaitu jerawat pasir or kulat (fungal acne). Dulu tak tau pon apa benda jerawat pasir ni. Nanti aku tulis lagi secara detail, kalau la ada orang tanya kat komen, tapi buat masa sekarang aku share dekat Youtube pasal skin condition aku sekarang. Jerawat pasir ni bukan boleh main main punya, sebab dia bukan macam jerawat biasa. 

*Update: Link YouTube video review aku tu aku dah delete sebab hari tu share banyak gak traffic dapat dari sini ke youtube lepas tu banyak plak komen kata suara tak jelas, padahal aku dengar jelas je, kalau phone speaker problem pakai lah earphone, itu pon nk kena ajar huh!

Jerawat biasa letak krim jerawat piuuu matilah dia, tapi jerawat pasir ni nama je jerawat pasir, tapi dalam bahasa English dia dipanggil fungal acne, so sebenarnya dia bukan jerawat, dia adalah kulat, tapi nampak macam jerawat, the bacteria that cause them to appear is not even the same as acne or blemishes punya bacteria yang biasa tu, it's a different one. More for u to read here kalau nak berkenalan dengan lebih lanjut dengan beliau but it's in English, kalau nak mudah paham dalam bahasa kebangsaan secara ringkas dan padat tengok je video Noel ini  . Kalau nak tengok my own video reviewing all the products that i have changed to suit my current skin condition yang terkena masalah jerawat pasir di kala ini, tengok kat sini.

 That's all for now. Thank you for reading this. Have a nice day.

Updated: can anyone reading my blog share the best product to clear my face from jeragat or pigmentation, dark spots and acne scars? I've tried HirusScar,did nothing and i think it just make my skin breakouts since dia ada castor oil yang trigger fungal acne or jerawat pasir.

How Overthinking Had Saved Me: A Short Story of my Experience

This morning i scrolled my Facebook and found a post that touched my heart. A tragic story how a young Muslim girl died. I feel like sharing my almost similar story.

The post goes on like this:
"I carried a dead Muslim girl out of a night club.

I never really tell stories about my past, mainly because we dont need to be exposing our past sins and a little bit because I dont wanna snitch on myself.. But time to time I reflect on the lessons learnt.

It was October 2011 and I was a security manager in the nightclub scene. I got called to work a big urban night, which people attended from all over the country. Over 3000 people came and the place was full from wall to wall. Some well known rappers and DJ's were playing that night and I remember it smelt like cocoa butter, weed and sweat.

Alcohol and drug fuelled, there was so many fights. I remember seeing a guys head split when he got hit with a champagne bottle, blood everywhere. It was absolutely manic! I remember being so angry at the promoters for putting us in this situation as bouncers.

Anyway, at the end of the night as everybody rushed out the club in a hurry, people started to push, slip and fall down the stairs. With no regard for each other, they just started to walk over the people who had fallen and stamp all over them. Before you knew it there was a stampede and people were getting trampled and crushed.

Along with a few others I started to pull people out of the pile of bodies being crushed as others carried on walking all over them. I could hear screaming, crying and shouting... but these animals just did not care and would not stop. I was pulling people out from under the crowd and to safety as the police, paramedics and firemen turned up to help.

I went back in and pulled one female out who was unconscious and carried her outside the club to a paramedic. I placed her down on the carpark floor and ran back inside to help more people. Every time I came back out I looked at this girl not moving and the paramedic frantically trying to help. I went over to ask what's going on and they told me shes dead.

They checked her ID and from her name I found out she is a muslim. Another girl also died that night and around 35 people were seriously injured. The police reviewed the footage and told me that I probably saved 30 lives that night..

But not this one.

Till this day I cry when I think about her. It scared me so much to think as a muslim I could lose my life in a nightclub. It was the start of me trying to change my whole life around. My intention is to continue doing sadaqa jarya charity projects for her.

May Allah forgive us for our sins and have mercy on this young muslimah who was only around 19 years old.

Death can come at anytime man, you have to be prepared. The clubbing scene is nothing but filth. I've seen people lose their lives and even stopped women getting raped in my time on the doors.

Alhamdulillah for the second, third, fourth and however many other chances Allah has given us.

You can have the darkest past, but it shouldn't prevent you from having the brightest future. I work my ass off in this charity scene because me personally I have so much to make up for from the past.

Allah is the most merciful..and that is the reason why we can never give up.

May Allah take us at a time He is happy with us. Ameen."

This story by this brother reminds me of myself when i was young.

When i was really young, 19 years old to be exact, n  it was my first time living in a hostel far from family to attend college , i got a roomate who sounded Islamic, a daughter of an ustaz, i think even her brother produce Islamic dakwah reading materials, but she was a bit of a rebel, and was really good with words (like Najwa Zebian u know, against the faith yet twisting words to sound so "motivational" "positive vibe" justified by her self-love thingy~may she return to the right path by Allah swt's mercy). She told me we need to see or try some forbidden things before we hate it, just try to see it, not to enjoy it she said, to understand why it is forbidden, she even said as Muslim we are discouraged to taqlid, to just accept what is told without knowing why and what's the point of everything.

So she talked me out to go to a nearby famous night club, plus she regularly visits clubs and said it was nothing bad as long as she didnt take alcohol or make out with guys..after refusing many time she somehow managed to convince me to go, she said u need to see it just once, if u dont like it just leave, at least u get to see it, dont be judgemental etc. Out of curiosity, i was determined to see it myself and understand why it's a bad place like our ustazahs and seniors keep telling us.

So that weekend i was planning to follow her until a few days before the weekend, i received a forwarded email  (if ur 90s kids or older, remember that Friendster and Yahoo chat era, and people sharing news or interesting stuffs through emails instead of re-sharing posts on Facebook, in fact Facebook was still in development that time i think). The email was about a night club in neighbouring country (Thailand) that was on fire, it came with lots of photos, no censorship in emails u know, people got their hands on the photos and just share them. So many burnt dead bodies piling in that club after the fire was put off.

They didnt get to escape because they were trapped, imagine the nature of a night club or such place, a lot of human gathered in an enclosed building, entrance are usually limited, usually just a standard doors. So when people get panic they just push themselves around or get pushed.. The sign for exit would be hard to find or confusing for some, like maybe the closest exit is behind them but out of panic they only see the exit sign across the hall. So imagine that.

When i saw the email it got me thinking, if that night  that i was just going to the nearby night club for the first time without the intention to visit again, and somehow the club get into such disaster and i died there, what would my parents think of me? 

• I was sent to study hundreds miles away and that's where i go? 
• Wouldn't i disappoint them? 
• How can they explain to people and relatives about how i died? 
• I was sent to an Islamic college n they speak proudly of me n that's how i died? 

Imagine how it would crush their hearts. I would be embarrassing them. Just for a stupid reason to just "see" the environment of a night club ..n they would never know that i have never been to that place before, dying there would make it look like im a frequent to such place. People will make accusations. I am already dead to defend myself, to tell the truth that i just go there to see it for the first and last time.

Hence i made up my mind that i shall never step into any night clubs ever since that day till now im already in my 30s.

Thank god for the love and reminder.

Well I think it's time..

Well i think it's time..for me to write something.. it's been a while eyh.. like too long already, and that last post was so random and un..un what? unrelated to my life, just my point of view i guess..

Malas sebenarnya, idea? Entah..penat jadi PhD student..and that's why i am so pissed off with all the MLM or cheap-publisity punya Malay businessman or woman yang suka-suka nak call themselves a Doctor of Philosophy when they just bought it! Some didnt even buy it, just senang-senang claim ada PhD from UPM la UM la, lepas bertahun-tahun baru lah si followers ni nak enquire kat universiti-universiti tersebut dan barulah dapat kenyataan rasmi by them saying "NOPE, IT NEVER HAPPEN.. we never gave him, he never enroll here.. "

LOL..sedap la dok letak yuran tinggi-tinggi sebab ada title, alih-alih title tipu, dah tipu tapi dah ada cult, followers still setia..adoi where is the brain..i cannot even..

Ok puas membebel..still have no idea, let me just share pics of me travelling since last year (travel 3 months sekali just to unwind, if not i'm gonna go mental)

(I will update the photo later..this has been in my draft since March, now is end of July..)